Nothing quite like wallowing in self-pity

Grumpy chipmunk face and sad eyes swimming with tears

No – not the toddler – me the grown woman

wallowing

fretting

at moments overcome with anxiety so forceful that my arms fling up involuntarily as if to slap away this catastrophe

head shaking from side to side

or glancing downward with the constant, why and how

the once insistent urgency to look for God in everything for this moment quietly archived

anxiety – that buzzing white noise that knows that vegetation will not grow in a mechanical wasteland

Without silence and snow and lifeless white mountains

how can there be continents shored up and dry?

The whole world covered in water with great Pangaea split open and distanced from herself

unrecognizably scattered across a spinning sphere

but then it’s all just been a metaphore for my apathetic anxiety

and rolling sense of doom

that molecular status collected in any space and time between past and future  THIS too shall end

and then what will I say to the great Creator and Sustainer?

I tried when I could

but mostly I watched TV

A game for dum-dum

Plumes of smoke spike the air with an alkaline edge

he nonchalant in exhale, with eyelids half down

gnashes his teeth in what must be ecstasy

the fierce chemical rush as pleasure seeking neurotransmitters flood receptor sites, and piecemeal expression -

“I am sorry I haven’t been good to you,”

sounds almost sincere, but he’s too at peace to really FEEL sorry

my own road to pleasure is barricaded – and logical applications no longer find the route to make or accept apologies

his disease is like a cancer that infects other people

or like demonic possession trashing the house

where is his beautiful soul? his mind? his manners!

Put the rock down and reach further past the fabrications of mind bending pleasure sip

give to me with pain like I give you this aching heart, and icy detachment

and for how long will I sit benched on the sidelines of love?

looking left and right, contemplating walking off the field

There are better games to play

and ones where the players are fair and equally matched