Spirals of God

The moment I reach the innermost point of the spiral is the saddest

And the step where the circle breaks and ends is terror

I am alone in the center

of self in isolation

Walking the  path is a metaphor to hold onto today

Where was I born?

In the center? At the edge?

Did I leave the warmth of the womb and begin to wander into the wide winding reality?

Did I swim out to the edge and then see the desperate end of possibility, or simply a never ending circling out and away?

Today I stand (or crouch crying, huddled like an infant) at an extreme – but I am not sure which

Am I fully inside my being – alone here in the most secret place, or

Have I reached the point of negation, and become paralyzed on the edge of transcendence?

Where is there God? Where is there not God?

I am at a loss – swallowed by mystery

There is no religion

Don’t sigh away life

or worry, thinking you’re meant to figure it all out

What is our purpose?

Only this: to seek God and surrender to love

Give up hating religion

and revel in the heart’s true song

there is no religion – only unity

life mimics life

be as a spring bud

open your true self to the warmth of the sun

Fasting leads me to You

where there is thirst upon thirst let my lips dry and tongue swell

when languishing for water, near death

let me die

where there is hunger and desire to fill my aching belly

when flesh drops from bones, and all thoughts turn to food

leave me empty, or

let me feast on You

when tempted to lay quiet and swim in desperation

throw sand in my eyes and slap my face

shake me to standing

and grant me grace to find the positions of prayer again and again

to move and to murmur

in reverence, and if rewarded to fall forward into

absolute joy

as You press me ever more deeply into You

I have found the secret doorway

Ignore everything else I have ever said

The clear path into unity has been relayed countless times to all people since the dawn of consciousness

and yet – humans – we are slow to learn

There is only One God and Muhammed is His messenger

Do I sound like a sicophant? A religious nut?

Look past the words and feel the meaning

I have found the secret doorway

For years I grappled in the dark, long corridors of dreams and days that seemed like dreaming

I tore open life after life, built up new ones, tore them down again

searching, searching for the way to change – to finally be perfected

but it was not really perfection I sought

only to be present

with truth – just like you

and when we find truth we know it

and when we are seperated from our mystery we seek

and in our seeking we destroy… ourselves, our families, our societies

we look up from reading poetry

and see God is shining through the new spring green

and is the spring itself

Nothing quite like wallowing in self-pity

Grumpy chipmunk face and sad eyes swimming with tears

No – not the toddler – me the grown woman

wallowing

fretting

at moments overcome with anxiety so forceful that my arms fling up involuntarily as if to slap away this catastrophe

head shaking from side to side

or glancing downward with the constant, why and how

the once insistent urgency to look for God in everything for this moment quietly archived

anxiety – that buzzing white noise that knows that vegetation will not grow in a mechanical wasteland

Without silence and snow and lifeless white mountains

how can there be continents shored up and dry?

The whole world covered in water with great Pangaea split open and distanced from herself

unrecognizably scattered across a spinning sphere

but then it’s all just been a metaphore for my apathetic anxiety

and rolling sense of doom

that molecular status collected in any space and time between past and future  THIS too shall end

and then what will I say to the great Creator and Sustainer?

I tried when I could

but mostly I watched TV

A game for dum-dum

Plumes of smoke spike the air with an alkaline edge

he nonchalant in exhale, with eyelids half down

gnashes his teeth in what must be ecstasy

the fierce chemical rush as pleasure seeking neurotransmitters flood receptor sites, and piecemeal expression -

“I am sorry I haven’t been good to you,”

sounds almost sincere, but he’s too at peace to really FEEL sorry

my own road to pleasure is barricaded – and logical applications no longer find the route to make or accept apologies

his disease is like a cancer that infects other people

or like demonic possession trashing the house

where is his beautiful soul? his mind? his manners!

Put the rock down and reach further past the fabrications of mind bending pleasure sip

give to me with pain like I give you this aching heart, and icy detachment

and for how long will I sit benched on the sidelines of love?

looking left and right, contemplating walking off the field

There are better games to play

and ones where the players are fair and equally matched

Turning to mildness

I believe my last post was a little harsh. And in being harsh I have done exactly that which  comes easily to me, and exactly that which displeases God.

In our best moments we all do what we hope to be good and right. It is through prayer and critical introspection and then again prayer and scientific investigation that we constantly remodel ourselves to be more like the deeply principled and compassionate examples of the Prophets, peace be upon them all.

I struggle constantly with the lure of self-righteousness. My mother would say, “You always think you’re right.” To which, I would counter, “Of course I think I’m right. Why would I think this way if I thought I was wrong?” You probably see right off the arrogance that took me years to recognize.

Submission is what I most desire (hence my conversion to Islam) and “being right” is the sin that continues to ensnare me. It is not the only sin – but it is the one that seems to hurt people and cause me the most personal shame.

Thank you for your understanding patience and kindness.

Following his example vs. stalking the Prophet (pbuh)

As a Muslim revert I find I get suspicious of what I can only describe as “stalking” the Prophet (pbuh). What first started to bother me were the rules surrounding Salaat. Now let me preface this by saying that I love the formal prayer ritual. It is a lot to learn but it is beautiful and so meaningful – adding richness and depth to my life.

So when I heard that if I made this mistake or that (there are so many) that my prayers would become “invalid” I asked what that meant. Basically, Allah (swt) will not recognize your prayers and they will not count – toward what exactly? – getting into Paradise. I was like… what? Are you serious! That sounds like absolute rubbish and I’ll tell you why I have no problem saying that.

First, I have absolute respect for the Messengers of God; and the Seal of his Message, Muhammed, peace be upon him and his family, is a true example of a true human life living in service and faith.

Second, I believe that when the Qur’an tells us we are to follow his example it means for us to do so.

Now what do I take issue with? At what strange point in history did the followers of Muhammed feel it was necessary to record all the details of his actions (whether or not they had anything to do with spiritual matters) and proclaim that we should all do as such? And furthermore, that if we failed in our efforts, our actions would become null and void and result in our likely rejection from the gates of Paradise. It’s absolutely far fetched and bizarre to imagine Allah, Merciful and Compassionate as setting us up for such failure. In fact, disturbingly contradictory to the Qur’an.

This reminds me of a friend I had in high school who apparently liked me so much that she followed me around, dressed like me, talked like me, liked what I liked etc. You see where I’m going with this?

It makes me want to cry to thing there are people out there who would say I’m not Muslim because I do not believe I am called to destroy my individuality by following traditions that have nothing to do with leading a righteous life.

I will follow the example of the Prophets of God (pbut all) but I draw the line at stalking. There are lines of reason that need not be crossed to do what is right and pleasing in the eyes of God. And it is God who knows what I do, and the truth in my heart, and who will judge and guide me in all matters as He sees fit.

Thank you friends for listening to my rant. I wish you well. Peace to all.

When doctrine opposes pure expression

It is part of my belief that when doctrine opposes pure expression it is not from God.

When someone claims they have found the one true path, they are lying.

When someone spits hate against another because both claim truths that contradict each other, there is a grave lack of awareness.

If any doctrine (call it what you will) opposes the greatness, the mystery, the allness of Allah, subhana wa ta’alla, or pushes people away with rules or creates boundaries or contradicts the Koran or uses interpretation to slay inclusiveness then they are missing the point.

If anyone tells me I “must” to please God – and it has anything to do with simple mundanities in ignorance of internal growth – I look down and away and in secret disregard their arrogant simplicities.

If someone tells me not to read this book or that book I quickly find the forbidden pages and with ruthless intellect dissect claims and injunction to find whatever grain of pristine truth may lie therein.

If someone tells me to be afraid I pray to God for courage to test the waters of my world.

If someone tells me God has laid aside a reward if I complete Salaat correctly, but that my prayers will not be accepted if I make even the smallest of mistakes I take a deep breath and remind myself to be patient and compassionate – so that I do not fling insults and cause spiritual harm to my brothers and siststers.

Так – я бы с тобой

Великий связь
Y международного – глядь
Ярче, всё ярче
Хоть имени как бы
Ошибки на земле бля все живы
Вот – держись крепче
Времена уже подо мной
Так – я бы с тобой