(Prayer notes)
Without God I am in an earth bound hell, watching this person I love and long for dissolving behind a drug screen. God within me speaks to my questions and the answers bring peace that passes understanding.
My prayers are three dimensional at least. It is not simply dialogue, but visions of symbols and emotional revelation that show rather than tell me into enlightenment. 
Last night I was distraught and angry with my lover for continuing to choose his life of drugs, putting everything there before me. It’s not just about getting high and feeding his chemical dependency, it’s about the whole lifestyle.
He deals and trades, running around, making calls and becoming consumed by the “hook up”. I am at the bottom of his list of intentions and priorities. The homeless crack addicted prostitute he met the day before is placed before me as he drives half an hour to deliver a $50 piece. And then he tells me all about it, like sharing his “day at work”. I listen with arms crossed, obviously angry as he is so oblivious to the pain it causes me.
So last night I felt on the edge of panic and left his apartment unsure how to change my life. THIS IS NOT THE LIFE I WANT FOR MYSELF!
So why am I in it? Part of me says I can change it, that all I have to do is abandon this man I believe in and choose myself over him. But neither do I wish to cut him out of my life or make myself suffer for his addiction. So I turn to God who has patience with me and does not condemn like my friends because he understands me and loves me beyond measure.
God revealed the stor
y of Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego who were thrown into the fiery furnace. When this had happened there appeared with them the fourth man, who was the Son of God. I realized instantly that God is making me whole in this fiery furnace of my life, that the Son of God is my enlightenment, which protects me from destruction.
Just as the three believers could not avoid the test, neither can I. When this trouble appears I must turn to God with the full force of my being, and through faith be saved. Peace is hard won, as it is my own internal demons that I must overcome.
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January 8, 2009 at 5:42 pm
Chaz
Hi Poet…
Your post has some alarming familiarities to me.
First off, the header referring to the peace that passes all understanding. The Bible quote is one of the quests of my recovery. It is what I was looking for in my addiction. Yet it took going through active addiction into recovery to finally find valid peace of this description.
The bible tells me that peace that passes understanding is a result of praying continuously and being grateful. To me, I also feel the scripture instructs me to surrender my anxiety (“be anxious for nothing”).
I can’t just shut off my anxiety, I have to turn it over. I then feel I need to fill the void with gratitude and a constant dialogue with God.
When I finally found an practical applicaiton of this, I was amazed at how this lifelong discomfort inside of me lifted. The voices of anxiety and depression quieted big time. It is powerful. More than I ever gave it credit for.
The lifestyle you describe of your partner is what we referred to in our area as “The Game”. It is as addictive as the substance.
The good thing I can share with you on this is that tons of people find their way out. I did. So did many others.
Yet obviously it is painful to be see your partner living The Game around you. I hurt people living The Game too. They finally surrendered me and eventually God took over.
They started looking after themselves and they themselves started getting better. I am sure the same is available for you.
Ciao. Chaz
http://www.yuppieaddict.wordpress.com