Dreaming of the One I Love

I remember vividly how after my grandmother died she would appear in my dreams in full spectrum, her whole self, and it never felt like dreaming. We would be sitting in a diner somewhere, just the two of us across from each other in a booth. We would eat pasta and talk. We went over everything we never talked about in life. And we laughed. Every morning I would wake up refreshed and drained at the same time. I wanted to go back to sleep to be with her, but somehow would manage to attend to eating and even watching TV. Occasionally I showered. At this time I was also in the first month of my pregnancy and would be very sick throughout the day. Another reason to hide and sleep.

Recently I started having conversation dreams like that again. The guy I am trying not to be in love with hasn’t died, but he is gone from my life and it seems my subconscious cannot tell the difference. Two nights now I have dreamt that we were talking, kissing and holding each other, just together. Last night in my dream I told him about the first dream I’d had of him. He asked me if I still love him. He asked me if I thought he loved me. I said I didn’t know, that I thought he loved me but that he wasn’t willing to connect with his emotions in that respect. It was a sad moment actually. And for some reason Mickey Mouse was there. Silently watching and judging from his chaise by the gumball machine.

I am

Let’s become an eternal moment
Drenched in I-am-ness
Dark seeds she eats and plants a garden in her belly
Shining through the dirt & earth
Growing human
Numb, cold, brave, empty
Ya lyublyu i tak, ya ishy navsegda (I love and so, I search forever)
Even when hiding, still seeking
No day but today
Will I wither & fade? Disappoint? Break?
Die alone?