I am the destroyer. While the joy of my heart was holed up in his misery down in that basement apartment, I was up on the surface wasting my virtues, destroying our special bond. 

BACKSTORY: After much prompting from me, we made an agreement to see other people and not be in a relationship. There was someone else pursuing me and I thought it would be fun to explore that potential. However, I could not handle splitting my energies between two men. The situtation seemed only to undercut both relationships, rather than enrich my love life experience. So I decided that it would be better to drop one and focus entirely on the other. Unfortunately for timing, the day after I made this decision and declaration, my man of choice went MIA for several days.

Now here is the part that wrenches my heart. For the first day and a half I tried to be very understanding and accepting. Then I snapped. It was his birthday and he didn’t call me or return my calls. I felt that I mustn’t be so important to him after all and I started to get angry. Late that night I went through with what I had been hesitant to do up to that point. I left work close to midnight and after affirming that indeed, he wanted nothing to do with me, I headed back downtown to see the other man.

I am not proud of what I did. I am ashamed and bewildered. Truthfully, I myself do not fully understand what possessed me that night. I was full of sadness, a sense of rejection. I felt obsolete and wanted to drown my troubles in hedonism. Later I felt used and even more depressed. I slumped home and cried myself to sleep.

Now I have come clean to my boyfriend of choice and he has rejected me for my malicious behavior. “It’s not healthy” and he’s right. We both have unhealthy behaviors that hurt each other. His is understood but unintentional, and mine is just messed up. I asked him to forgive me as I have chosen to forgive him. I stated my case that what we have is unique and special because that is how I feel about it. It’s not perfect, but with more nurturing could be something great. But we both have to want that and I’m not in the least sure that he envisions putting effort into staying with me.

I wonder now if I should stop trying and accept that our lives are splitting in different directions, or if I should take up the challenge of becoming a better person. You see, I believe that love partnerships are a divine way of creating opportunity for spiritual growth. Love challenges our deepest held assumptions and fears. It asks us to be understanding and ready to forgive again and again. Love calls for kindness and patience when our petty selves would hurt and destroy.

Love is patient, Love is kind,
It does not envy, it does not boast,
It is not proud, It is not rude,
It is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil,
but rejoices with the truth.

Love always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.

Love bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.