He has been clean and sober for six years as of last month. After wasting his youth as a pathetic junkie, he took the hard steps to get help and set his life right. He’s alive, unlike many of his old friends. He’s not in jail anymore, unlike many of his old friends. He is intelligent, articulate, secure and beautiful. He is also clinically depressed and medicated, unable to fall in love or experience feelings of joy and connectedness.

He is an addict and turning 41 on Saturday. I gave him my heart but he doesn’t know how to treat it. It’s not because he doesn’t want to love me or because he doesn’t want to be good to me. He just gets overwhelmed and gets lost in his own darkness. He doesn’t want me to see it. Doesn’t want me around when he’s down in the muck. He doesn’t hit me or verbally or emotionally abuse me. He simply withdaws at times, leaving me baffled and lonely without my friend.

Out of nowhere he cancels plans at the last minute. Or he doesn’t cancel but never bothers to show up at all. He calls days later because he has been sitting in his living room eating and watching TV. He’s not using again, but he can’t handle even tiny amounts of stress. If we get into an argument, no matter how insignificant, I feel him leaking away from me and know that I won’t hear from him for at least a day. I used to think he was fooling around, but now I realize he’s just recoiled from me, from life. He’s an addict - that is what he does.

He doesn’t mean to or want to hurt me. It upsets him but he can’t stop because he’s so angry with himself. I see him there even when he’s far away. I send him my love. The love he can’t feel. I can be grateful in these times because it gives me the opportunity to have compassion. I could get angry and indignant that he is this way. But here is the chance to accept the man I love for who he is and support him. Even though it is hard.

I cry a little as I sit unexpectedly alone tonight. I am sad for both of us. For me because I cannot hold him, and for him because he hurts. Wish I could put my hand in his, lean my head on his shoulder and smile. Tonight we are apart and alone. So I focus on patience and understanding. I love him and he will be back soon.