The Destroyer

I am the destroyer. While the joy of my heart was holed up in his misery down in that basement apartment, I was up on the surface wasting my virtues, destroying our special bond. 

BACKSTORY: After much prompting from me, we made an agreement to see other people and not be in a relationship. There was someone else pursuing me and I thought it would be fun to explore that potential. However, I could not handle splitting my energies between two men. The situtation seemed only to undercut both relationships, rather than enrich my love life experience. So I decided that it would be better to drop one and focus entirely on the other. Unfortunately for timing, the day after I made this decision and declaration, my man of choice went MIA for several days.

Now here is the part that wrenches my heart. For the first day and a half I tried to be very understanding and accepting. Then I snapped. It was his birthday and he didn’t call me or return my calls. I felt that I mustn’t be so important to him after all and I started to get angry. Late that night I went through with what I had been hesitant to do up to that point. I left work close to midnight and after affirming that indeed, he wanted nothing to do with me, I headed back downtown to see the other man.

I am not proud of what I did. I am ashamed and bewildered. Truthfully, I myself do not fully understand what possessed me that night. I was full of sadness, a sense of rejection. I felt obsolete and wanted to drown my troubles in hedonism. Later I felt used and even more depressed. I slumped home and cried myself to sleep.

Now I have come clean to my boyfriend of choice and he has rejected me for my malicious behavior. “It’s not healthy” and he’s right. We both have unhealthy behaviors that hurt each other. His is understood but unintentional, and mine is just messed up. I asked him to forgive me as I have chosen to forgive him. I stated my case that what we have is unique and special because that is how I feel about it. It’s not perfect, but with more nurturing could be something great. But we both have to want that and I’m not in the least sure that he envisions putting effort into staying with me.

I wonder now if I should stop trying and accept that our lives are splitting in different directions, or if I should take up the challenge of becoming a better person. You see, I believe that love partnerships are a divine way of creating opportunity for spiritual growth. Love challenges our deepest held assumptions and fears. It asks us to be understanding and ready to forgive again and again. Love calls for kindness and patience when our petty selves would hurt and destroy.

Love is patient, Love is kind,
It does not envy, it does not boast,
It is not proud, It is not rude,
It is not self-seeking,
It is not easily angered,
It keeps no record of wrongs.

Love does not delight in evil,
but rejoices with the truth.

Love always protects, always trusts,
always hopes, always perseveres.

Love bears all things, believes all things,
hopes all things, endures all things.

In Love with an Addict

He has been clean and sober for six years as of last month. After wasting his youth as a pathetic junkie, he took the hard steps to get help and set his life right. He’s alive, unlike many of his old friends. He’s not in jail anymore, unlike many of his old friends. He is intelligent, articulate, secure and beautiful. He is also clinically depressed and medicated, unable to fall in love or experience feelings of joy and connectedness.

He is an addict and turning 41 on Saturday. I gave him my heart but he doesn’t know how to treat it. It’s not because he doesn’t want to love me or because he doesn’t want to be good to me. He just gets overwhelmed and gets lost in his own darkness. He doesn’t want me to see it. Doesn’t want me around when he’s down in the muck. He doesn’t hit me or verbally or emotionally abuse me. He simply withdaws at times, leaving me baffled and lonely without my friend.

Out of nowhere he cancels plans at the last minute. Or he doesn’t cancel but never bothers to show up at all. He calls days later because he has been sitting in his living room eating and watching TV. He’s not using again, but he can’t handle even tiny amounts of stress. If we get into an argument, no matter how insignificant, I feel him leaking away from me and know that I won’t hear from him for at least a day. I used to think he was fooling around, but now I realize he’s just recoiled from me, from life. He’s an addict - that is what he does.

He doesn’t mean to or want to hurt me. It upsets him but he can’t stop because he’s so angry with himself. I see him there even when he’s far away. I send him my love. The love he can’t feel. I can be grateful in these times because it gives me the opportunity to have compassion. I could get angry and indignant that he is this way. But here is the chance to accept the man I love for who he is and support him. Even though it is hard.

I cry a little as I sit unexpectedly alone tonight. I am sad for both of us. For me because I cannot hold him, and for him because he hurts. Wish I could put my hand in his, lean my head on his shoulder and smile. Tonight we are apart and alone. So I focus on patience and understanding. I love him and he will be back soon.

It’s a New Day

Each new day
Offers only hope,
Second chances, opportunity
Not money, not grandeur or even dignity
New days are ripe with forgiveness –
The splendor of a promise.

Rum Tum

Drinking the night away toward your bed, your loft downtown with dense traffic sounds all through the dark that never comes with street lamps shining, reflected in the block glass and the red hue drives us home as we squeeze and push each other through the door, through to the end where we collapse and desire subsides without contentedness, just a cigarette and another glass of wine, no eye contact, no intimate moment, just the guilt of giving into the body passion desire, warped minds cannot bend against, and again we rock, yes we roll as the sheets wrap round our ankles and I am held captive, your slave this night, just like we knew it would be hours before in the bar when our eyes met in silent communion, we slip away from the crowd to become two bodies twisted together in the rhythm of damnation

Poly-Pocket Boyfriends

I started saying it years ago in a cutsie little voice, “You’re my pocket boyfriend. I just take you and put you right here and carry you around all day.” I’ve used it with three different guys and they all think it’s special and unique. I just like it, it’s part of my way of thinking about relationships – boyfriend goes in the pocket.

Usually I keep one boyfriend in my pocket at a time, but I begin to wonder if two will fit. Might it be too cramped? Will they fight in there?  One boy alone cannot satisfy me. It is not sex that I need. I have psychological and emotional needs that are best satisfied by two different individuals. One represents security and companionship. The other: danger and excitement. Intellectually I argue that I should let one go for the other, and practically speaking I have done so for the moment. Part of me however, continues to desire the company of my bad boy and his naughty ways. I see him around and we flirt. He haunts my phone with cryptic text messages. I cannot decipher his code, but his unusual ways tempt.

In all honesty there is the potential for love on both sides. I have a lot of love to give. I could love them both. But could I, split between two, satisfy my partners? Would they not then look for their own secondaries? Should I even consider such a risk in love? It seems I may retire these fantasies and opt for the stable progression of compatible coupling that may lead to a lifetime of ease and companionship. It seems that may happen soon, but for now… it’s all conjecture. Indeed…

Break up Email

My first and last ever break up email. This was sent to end a 2 week long courtship after I decided that I was more attracted to someone else and could not be in a monogamous relationship with the guy I’d just started seeing. Plus, we really weren’t compatible except for sexually. He’s a Sagittarius and I’m a Taurus. His response was not too pleasant, but at least I didn’t have to deal with doing it in person.

Hey, I think we’re on the same page here, but just to be sure.

I don’t really think we’re a solid match and I’m feeling drawn towards other people right now. Chalk it up to basic astrology. I still really like you and had such a great time with you that I am a bit sad that things couldn’t go further. I do wish you the best of luck in finding someone special. I’m always down for being friends, whatever that means.

Guidelines to Breaking Up (over email, phone and in person)

No matter  how you do it, breaking up is a painful process for at least the person getting dumped. Feelings of rejection will plague them just as guilt eats away at you. So as you make the decision to end your relationship, follow some simple guidelines to minimize the angst.

• Breaking up over email- Okay if the “relationship” is less than 1 month old, or if coitus (or whatever you consider to be sex) has not yet occurred. Also okay in any situation if the person has the potential for verbal aka psychological aka emotional or physical abuse. (see my “break up email” post for a real life example)
• Breaking up over the phone- Okay for relationships between 1 month and 3 months in length.  This approach leaves room for argument however, such that you must stand your ground and not be persuaded to change your mind. This method also requires listening to the other person’s side of the story, which may make them feel better, but make you feel worse.
• Breaking up in person- Required for all relationships over 3 months in length (no matter how old you are). Best to do this in a public venue, keep your physical distance (sit across the table), be short and sweet. Don’t pussy foot around about it. If you’ve made up your mind, just stick to your guns. It’s not ethical to leave someone wondering what happened. Be clear and precise. Make sure to let the person know that you are moving on and they should too.

Special Consideration:

1. If you’ve cheated – Fess up right away, but do so over the phone or in person. Never give them a “written” record of your confession for them to read over and over again.
2. If they cheated – You have every right to give them the old “FUCK YOU!” text message or email. No need to consider the other person’s feelings here or give them the opportunity to explain.
3. If you value the person and really do want to be friends – Always do it face to face and assure the person that you care for them and want them in your life, just NOT as your lover.
4. If you want to break up temporarily and get back together at some point in the future – First of all, this is stupid and annoying. However, sometimes people really do need “a break” from their partner. They may need to deal with personal issues but be too wrapped up in the other person to do so. They may selfishly want simply to screw around with other people for a while, without the guilt of cheating. Whatever the reason, the best way to do a short term break up is with a lot of mystery. Don’t hurt the other person so bad that you can never get back together. Just leave them wondering… “What the hell just happened.” Then pick up that phone when you’re ready to give it another try.

Begging to Take You Back?

I have some questions that I needed to write down in order to know what they were because I was having a hard time understanding my own confusion and hesitation. Okay… so these are really heavy (at least from my perspective), but I really don’t have anything to lose that I haven’t lost before, so I think I’m okay putting them out there.

Darling, I need to know:

Are you offering me less or more than before?

Can you say that you care for and might even love me someday?

Do you want for us to share our inner selves in the spirit of intimacy and honesty?

Are you willing to accept how I feel about you?

Are you going to push me away if I get too close?

Do you envision a possible “future” with us together?

If you answer ”No” to any of these questions do you think you can be honest and engage with me in a dialogue about the true potential of our relationship?
So, those are the questions, but I also want to tell you why I am scared to get back together:

I’m scared that you’re not going to give me all of what I want and am looking for in a partner.

I’m scared that I want more than you can give and that will cause problems for us.

I am willing to spend time and energy working with you to develop a deeper connection, but I can’t do it by myself and I’m scared that you don’t want to do that.

I’m scared that if you don’t give me what I want/need that I will become dissatisfied and passive-agressive and begin to sabotage our relationship by seeking out those qualities in another person/relationship.

I’m especially scared because I am still attracted to someone else who I see on a regular basis, and there is both temptation and opportunity to act on that attraction. However, because of my feelings for you there is a much stronger desire to develop a real intimate relationship. This is causing a double layer of confusion for me personally, though it has nothing to do with you directly.

 

I wrote this letter/email for my x-boyfriend who wants to get back together. I haven’t sent it because I actually want to ask all these questions and tell him my thoughts in person.