Everything was perfect between us except for this one thing: I was in love with my boyfriend but he wasn’t in love with me. So we ended it. For my part I immediately fell into a rapid cycling of grief expressions. We are none of us alone in this. Here I apply the five identified stages of grief to my own experience.
Denial: Ever since we split I have been spending most of my time in a state of denial. I find it is easier to remove myself from the sadness of reality by fantasizing about getting back together. My favorite version of this fantasy is one where my x and I meet unexpectedly in summer. I have a nice tan and a new haircut. I am happy and smiling; life is fine because I have moved on. He sees me and suddenly realizes that he loved me all along and life is empty without me. It all moves along nicely from there. Version two of the get-back-together fantasy: It is next week and a cold, rainy night. He shows up at my door. He brings flowers. He begs me to take him back, and I, compassionately, tell him all is forgiven. I get somewhat agitated every time I realize that I am not predicting the future, or even forecasting a likely scenario. I am simply in denial that this break up is for good. At this point in time however, it brings me a relief from sadness that would follow if I rushed into cool acceptance of the facts.
Moving on…
Anger: Admittedly, I am prone to moments of anger. Why the hell don’t you love me! How could you be with me all that time and not love me? I am enraged by own unlovableness and my x’s unloving of me. This sentiment is followed often by tears, stomping and pounding into the pillow until exhaustion takes over, or I remember it is time to go to work. (Luckily, I am always able to rely on denial to lift my mood and allow me to get through the day.)
And once again, moving on…
Bargaining: This is the most annoying of all because I constantly beat myself up over causing the break up with my stupid need for love. Why couldn’t I just settle for less than perfect? He said, “I care about you” – why wasn’t that enough? Why didn’t I just wait to see if deeper feelings evolved over time? Perhaps seven months isn’t sufficient for some people. Maybe if I call him now and explain that I have made a terrible mistake, that I am happy to take whatever he is willing to give… maybe we can get back together and put this fiasco behind us. *Sadly, I cannot allow myself to do this. I want to love and be loved. It is simple, and I remind myself to be true.
Depression: Based on past experiences, I would say that I am prone to depression. Strangely, I have yet to experience any signs of depression over this break up. I mean, why am I not on the couch day after day with empty icecream cartons all around? I fear that may come later. In a queer way, all my sadness has created an abundance of energy, which has been channeled into manic activity. I suddenly rollerblade again. Not since I was 13 have I felt the urge to rollerblade. I suppose this is depression disguised as anxious distraction. Different sides of the same coin perhaps.
Oh, God… have we come to this point already?
Acceptance: Okay… I haven’t quite gotten here yet. I have not accepted this break up. If I had, would I be writing this now? Part of me says, “It’s all for the best” while all the other parts of my psyche are still caught up in the first four stages of grief. I believe that acceptance will come later, after everything else has been processed and I no longer yearn. Of course, even thinking that this is a possibility, I fantasize that as soon as I accept this break up that I may immediately call my x and see if we can “just be friends”. Right… Now I start to cycle all over again, starting with denial.
Another day, another reflection on the art and experience of loss. Later, I will write about the blessings and gifts of this life, staying true to my idealistic nature.
(* Reposted from April 7, 2008 with revisions.)
14 comments
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July 14, 2008 at 11:26 pm
IceTsuki
Hey, I know how you feel…my boyfriend just broke up with me for the same reason: I love him, but he doesn’t love me. I seem to be weird when it comes to the stages of grief though…I skip a lot of steps. When my previous relationship ended, I went straight to bargaining while he was breaking up with me…then went right into a long depression before finally acceptance. This time though I seem to have skipped even the bargaining, and gone straight into depression…hopefully acceptance will come soon. You might just not be the kind of person who goes into depression…and that’s normal. Everyone’s different…I wish you luck with your situation.
August 9, 2008 at 4:19 am
alyce
hey..i guess im going through kinda of the same thing aswell. i recently broke up with my bf and i did everything i could to get him back and it felt always like i loved him more than he loved me. this bit hurt alot though.. when we broke up he told me to wait 2 months and we would be back together because he just had to get his life on track. he promised that he wouldnt touch any other girl while we were apart and either would i since we were only on a break. so i met up with him last week and we rekindled and i thought everything was going good until he rang me up the other night drunk and i asked him if he had gotten with any other females and he said that he had slept with 3 other chicks. the next morning he rang back up forgetting what he said until i reminded him. i know i have to let him go because if he had of truelly loved me he wouldnt have done that but its so hard because i felt like he was my life and now i have to move on. im still angry, im still depressed and blaming myself, a part of me wants to bargain to get him back despite what he did and a part of me is begging me to move on before i get hurt again. it sucks but once the acceptance takes over i know il be able to smile and think that theres someone else out there for me… x
September 16, 2008 at 7:22 pm
Noah
Thank you for this entry. I am in a very difficult ‘relationship’ with somebody and it seems like we are never going to get it right. There are a lot of complications that I can’t feel comfortable going into here but after a breakup that left us both bruised and broken we connected 7 years later and felt the same intense passion and love immediately. Unfortunately the complications had only multiplied exponentially since then. Our physical meeting after all those years was tragic (to me at least) and I believe she is now gone forever. I don’t know that I will ever reach the ‘Acceptance’ stage with her, I have loved her since the day I first pressed my lips against hers, but I will try.
I also turn to poetry to express myself, taking your lead I created a blog and started posting yesterday.
Thanks again.
http://tragedyoftiming.blogspot.com
September 25, 2008 at 1:09 pm
joyen
i cn’t blv what you have jst writen there, just that I did not get the conclusion of your story, its as if I was the one who wrote that whole story,,,, its been long know after we have been apart with my ex,, but unbeleivably, I still grief about him (more than 2 years now) oh its so irritating, and the sad part is that I can’t find any affection for other guys in my heart may be for 2 weeks then its gone… I don’t know what a hell i must do with this kind of situation….sometimes it feel as if there is no hope anylonger for me to get done with this.,,. I prayed and kept away from him, but if it comeback that I want’ to talk to him I don’t control it… I don’t know why does he call me too, If not for love,, i added up guessing friendship so I asked him for one because he cant’ love me a woman of his own, so possibly as a friend, I want’ him dead in my head and forget he ever had anything im my heart even as I meet him around the glob…
October 29, 2008 at 2:06 am
Vince
I spend three years on my knees, i gave up everything and did everything for her, i loved her more than anything but i knew deep down she didnt treat me right and her emotional baggage ended up depressing me, she broke up with me many times and ive always taken her back, but i finally had enough and i broke up with her. i feel like everything i said to her and what i told her with regard to the reasons did not get to her, she managed to break me down for one last time when I broke up with her. there is always doubts in mind about whether ive been wronged or the whole thing was my fault, maybe she is not mature enough yet to realise what she did and why i couldnt go on with it. I need my closure, i need her to tell me that she was wrong, cause she will never apologise and what that does is leave me broken up, feeling unworthy
January 27, 2009 at 2:25 am
Macharu
I know how you feel. I just was dumped on Friday. I still really like him so much but he dumped me like a pile of rocks. He didn’t like me anymore. It hurts so much. I saw it coming and he admitted that he had been wanting to dump me for a week. It sucks. I constantly put myself down. I feel like its my fault although everyone says it isn’t. I then think of something I could do to make him come back to me but go back spiraling into being upset. As soon as I think I’m over it rage overcomes me. “Why couldn’t he have dumped me when he first thought of it?! Then my weekend wouldn’t have sucked.” and so on. Then it keeps repeating. I fantasize of how he’ll come back. To be honest, I hate myself for it. I just wanna be over him but at the same time I miss the simple things he did even though they weren’t much. In fact, he didnt give me much of his attention or anything. It sucks majorly.
January 29, 2009 at 11:13 pm
Roxy
Wow, it’s like I wrote that entry myself.
I was with my ex for 5 years when he told me he needed his space. He told me a number of reasons why he didn’t want to be with me (all things I had or hadn’t done), but it all boils down to he just didn’t love me anymore.
I was a mess for so long after he left. I lived in denial, just as you did…he told me he didn’t know what the future holds, so I took that as, we’re going to get back together. I would keep his picture as my computer screen saver and practically talk to it everyday. I believed so strongly he’d come back. I’d have the same visions of running into him and looking amazing (like you started rollerblading, I took up kickboxing)…But in my heart of hearts I know that’s never going to happen.
Of course I did everything i could to see him – buying tickets to his favorite sporting event 0r concert and asking him to come with. He did…but not to see me, to see whatever game or artist we were going to.
He finally told me (a week after the concert for his favorite artist on which i spent upwards of $250) that we were never getting back together. I feel like he held out saying that just so I wouldn’t renege on the concert. I found out through a friend’s facebook that he had been talking to other girls the whole time and that he had no interest in being with me, or even sadness for the end of our relationship.What an ass!
So I’ve been through denial, I’m still very angry, I’ve bargained myself into a corner and now all i feel is depressed…
I accept that he’s no longer thinking about me, has no interest in me, has moved on, and that I probably will never hear from him again…but what I can’t accept is why? I try not to think about it, but when I look back on our past, we had such good times, and it seemed like so much love, so how do I accept that that will never be again. It breaks me inside to even contemplate it.
Anyway, since he’s put it in absolute terms, I’ve managed to erase his pics, texts and emails…and I try so hard not to read his facebook or even his horoscope. One day soon i hope to be over this gut-wrenching pain, because afterall, if he’s not thinking about me, why the hell am I wasting my efforts thinking about him?
Thanks for your post – in a strange way, it made me feel less alone in all of this
June 5, 2009 at 1:44 am
Amanda
Hi Roxy,
I was just curious about how you were doing. I just ended a 5+ year relationship with my boyfriend also. When did yours end and how are you doing now? It’s been a few months since your post.
February 10, 2009 at 9:14 am
Jason
I am going through a break up at this moment. I’v been seeing my ex for two years and for the last year we have been living together while she started school. For the last 6 months things have been really off however. Time for both of us have been tight, we havn’t been spending time together and physical contact between us has drop to almost nothing.
2 days ago the break up finally came to the surface. She told me that I am a wonderful man (funny how your always a wonderful, but never the right wonderful) but she just doesn’t feel in love with me anymore, and not for awhile.
I don’t have alot of experiance with dating, even though I as 25. She was the only girl that I have ever been seeing for more thing 2 months, and it been hard, special seening as I have to move back home in another city and untill then were still living together. There’s no fighting (never been any fighting) but it really hard not to touch her or hold her anymore, and its really hard on her too, which makes me want to hug her and comfort her even more.
I’v been crying alot, but right now atleast I feel ok. Full moon outside and I spent alittle time looking at it and thinking.
I can’t do anything about this… As much as I would do anything to fix things, she doesn’t and I can’t change that. I’m going to hurt, and I”m going to have all the fears I always have, Not finding someone again, being alone, never having a family. But, theres nothing I can do about that other then let the feeling come and go and move on. And things will get better, to an extent, in time.
And so thats what I”ll do, I’ll feel what ever come and I have to feel, but I”ll move on.
February 25, 2009 at 8:01 am
Laurie
My relationship ended 3 days ago and I found this blog by googling “stages of grief” I felt like I was reading something I had written to myself in a journal entry. I’m touched by the words and they are helping me cope with a boyfriend that doesn’t love me either. I’m trying to quiet the demons that tell me I’m not pretty enough, smart enough or lovable. Thank you for writing.
March 4, 2009 at 8:28 pm
Saipan
I just broke up with a guy that I really liked because he was unavailable (still having trouble ending a ten year relationship). I cried like it was a far deeper and longer relationship than it was. I was at least comforted by this website that we all suffer from time to time regarding relationships. I guess that no one is immune from pain.
March 6, 2009 at 1:28 am
dani
It’s funny, I saw someone else found this blog by searching “the stages of grief.” Me too! This post really helped me. My boyfriend broke up with me 2 days ago. It was somewhat the reverse because I think he always felt that he loved me more than I loved him. He was full of insecurity and everyone seems to think it was for the best. But I keep thinking about what I could’ve done to have made him feel better. When I read the bargaining part, I was just like “OMG! I didn’t even realize that was a part of grieving!” I miss him so badly. I broke down and texted today. Just “I miss you.” God, I feel lame. I feel so helpless and out of control. I really loved him with all my heart. But, he sad he spent his days making himself sick and waiting for my next text (and we lived together!!) and was tired of feeling so bad if I couldn’t be at the same amount of intensity at all times. It just seems so effed up. I’ve cried for 2 days straight and finally came into work today.
March 29, 2009 at 7:54 am
RaiulBaztepo
Hello!
Very Interesting post! Thank you for such interesting resource!
PS: Sorry for my bad english, I’v just started to learn this language
See you!
Your, Raiul Baztepo
September 1, 2009 at 11:36 am
Anonymous
My Gf broke up with me recently, it was tough and I still hold some resentment. However dont let it eat you up. This makes you stronger. I can relate Dani, my gf was extremely insecure andwas constantly accussing me of cheating or stating I didnt love her which in all honesty was not the case. She had a past relationship which was terrible, and I think she was comparing me to him. I find peace in the fact I wasnt anything like that guy, and can take what Ive learned to the girl whose right for me, If shes not out there thats ok life is beautiful even if you dont have someone to share it with