Reconciliation

My Dear,

This is the letter I cannot send, but write to more fully reconcile the ending of our relationship.

 

Our time together was… perfect. I felt more myself with you than with any man I have ever known.  We just fit together, physically, intellectually, in all the little ways that are important. I adored you, and was happy to be a part of your life, and for you to be a part of mine.

I am sad and full of regret for pushing you, rather than accepting you. I asked for acceptance and received it with tender understanding. I am an impulsive person, often seeking adventure and danger. Female drama is all it is. That is why I demanded more than I knew you were ready to give. It was not that I needed you to say, “I love you”. It is more a problem of my own, that I have so much self-doubt, that I push people too hard. I don’t want to be like that, especially with you. I know now that I forced the issue because of my own destructive tendencies. At the time I sent that letter, I was thinking only of myself and angry that you were asking me to give you the space you needed to heal. I fooled myself into believing I had a higher motivation. I am so flawed. I am sorry. That is not that person I want to be.

 

In truth, I think your pace in our relationship was steady, true and healthy. It was exactly the right thing. Even now, my remorse grows, knowing that the kind of connection I seek is not an extreme emotional burst, but true companionship. From you I have learned so much already, and believe you have learned from me too. I sense that if I had not sabotaged our relationship, that we would have continued to learn from each other, and become better for it.

 

I dont’ know if that is what you want, but I know it is what I want. The more fully I understand that I am better for having known you, the more deeply I regret pushing you away. I only hope that someday we may reconcile. You have been more honest than I. You are an example to me of the value of restraint and introspection. These are attributes I find lacking in myself, but so desire to cultivate.

 

Right now I am doing a lot of soul searching, and focusing on growing through losing you. I am taking care of my body by working out and eating right. I am taking care of my soul by being honest about my own flaws. I am growing by being more compassionate toward myself and others in all ways. We all make mistakes, none of us are perfect, but we all need love in our lives.

 

Yours truly,

Your Sweetheart